Today hurt. A lot.
In addition to the pain of that kick in the gut, I feel empty from spending all day trying not to cry or vomit. Please don’t feel bad. I hope things turn out okay in the end, but even if they don’t, there are certain things that will always be a staggeringly large part of who I am.
I understand, of course; in my head it is completely, 100% logical. I don’t blame her or you for your reactions to her in the least. However, I can’t help it that I feel betrayed and broken. The wound you seared into my soul today is going to fade a little with time, but it will never heal.
I’m angry with you for that. I’m angry with you for being too prideful or insecure or something to not tell her years ago. That was your job; it wasn’t hers to ask. If for nothing else, it was your job in order to protect me. I was just a kid when I met you; you were the adult. I love my dad, you know that, but he is not a social person. He doesn’t talk to me for the most part, and when he does it’s more often than not to talk about abstract intellectual matters. He has never once invested in my soul, only in my mind. You were my father when it came to that. I trusted and loved you like my own dad; I really started to believe I could count on you. And then today happened.
I hope you understand that saying I am crushed is the most exaggerated understatement of the millennium. A little part of me hates you. That scares me, but it also amazes and empowers me.
You know better than anyone how much our friendship mattered. That’s how much it hurts. And the thing about pain is, it demands to be felt. You felt it in the first couple of days after you realized what was coming, but I don’t believe it was as horrendous for you because it wasn’t me who was doing the betraying; it was your own choices that lead us to this situation.
Despite my anger and my shock and my pain, I do love you. You have meant more to me than most people, though, and your presence in my life, however brief, will not go unnoticed.
I’m sorry that I caused trouble for you; that was never my intention.
In terms of the future, I will ask you to show her and/or talk to her about whatever correspondence we have. I’m not telling you to; in the end it’s up to you.
Before I go, I thought I’d remind you that you once asked me how I could trust people so easily and so fully. Now, the answer comes easily: today hadn’t happened yet.
I’m so sorry (well, kind of). I know this letter will hurt you if you ever read it, but that’s part of the reason I had to write it. I hope you understand. Hate me for it, for all I care, but it’s like that letter I wrote to Adam on your urging: it’s more for me than it is for the other party.
It is my dream that someday we might reconnect and once again share even the smallest piece of what we’ve shared these past few years. Until that day comes, be well, and cherish your beautiful family.